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If you had to introduce yourself to a stranger at a party without mentioning what you do for a living, what would you say?

I posed this question to some colleagues recently and watched as their eyes shifted around uneasily.  

One said after a long pause: “I guess I would say I’m a father of two cats.”

Another replied: “Well, I’ve been trying to do more cooking recently.”

Even though I instigated this thought experiment, my colleagues had a much easier time than I did in rattling off fun facts about their lives.

I struggled to find a way to describe myself as anything other than a journalist because I'm proud of what I do and love telling stories about my work to anyone who would listen.

This led me to more sobering questions: Who am I if I can't define myself by what I do for a living? What happens if (heaven forbid) I lose my job? Do I need to, as they say, get a life? 

To prevent spiralling into an existential crisis, I took a journalistic approach to the matter and reached out to a host of experts for their insights.  

WHY THE INTRINSIC LINK? 

The first expert I turned to was Ms Jennifer Ong, the founder of the career coaching programme Ctrl Alt Career, who recently posted on LinkedIn that she had lost her “sense of self” after underperforming at her previous job as an associate at a multinational investment company. 

Ms Ong said that the intrinsic link between self-identity and one's career was a natural one. 

“You spend so many hours at work, so naturally, your job is a shorthand for someone to grasp who you are very quickly," she added.

She also said that people then "frame you as a ‘type’ of person” once they have that piece of information.

For example, a journalist may embody certain traits such as being inquisitive, analytical and having good language skills, while a teacher gives the image of someone patient and nurturing. 

One's job tends to bring a certain level of dignity and social status as well.

Ms Ong said that she had to grapple with the need to prove herself to others after leaving a multinational company and joining a smaller firm.

“When I first told others that I worked at a fashion start-up, it’s a very different yet subtle look that people gave me. I was the exact same person, yet people bucketed me as if I was of a different calibre,” she added.

“It diminished my sense of self. I realised then that I was defined so much by the brand name of the company.” 

Mental health experts said that this phenomenon is almost “inevitable” in Singapore, where there is a heavy emphasis on professional achievements as a sign of success in life.

Mr James Chong, the co-founder and clinical director of psychotherapy and counselling centre The Lion Mind, said that many Singaporeans grow up in an environment where education is seen as a stepping stone towards one’s career, so naturally, our careers become our primary source of identity. 

"For example, someone who graduates with a nursing degree and works hard to specialise as a psychiatric nurse would proudly identify themselves as one," Mr Chong suggested.

Furthermore, it is commonplace for job roles to be a conversation topic during major family gatherings where comparisons and judgements are sometimes made. 

THE DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD OF AN INTERTWINED IDENTITY

Although associating one's self with a reputable job or organisation may enhance one's sense of pride and boost self-confidence, the drawback is that such affirmations can easily become distressing when people are not doing well at work or faces criticism about their performance, the experts said. 

Indeed I can attest to that. At work, a pat on the back from my bosses makes me feel on top of the world but criticisms, no matter how small, are like an indictment and make me question my self-worth.

For some professionals including customer service personnel, doctors and journalists, criticism also comes from external parties. 

I learnt quickly from my colleagues after joining the industry that if I wanted to keep my sanity in check, it was best to read just a handful of social media comments on my published work. 

Although one might think that employers might be impressed by an employee who takes great pride in being devoted to the job, hirers and human resource experts said that this is not always the case.

Workers' whose identities are so intertwined with their work may also suffer professionally. 

Mr Yoshihisa Aono, chief executive officer of software company Cybozu, said that he does not consider those who tie their identity solely to their job to be inherently “better workers”.

Successful employees recognise that their sense of identity and their job are distinct, he said.

“This balance fosters resilience and adaptability, which are crucial in today’s fast-changing workplace." 

Echoing these sentiments, Ms Agnes Yee, executive director at recruitment firm Kerry Consulting, said that more employers today are seeking well-rounded candidates who bring “more to the table” than their focus and dedication. 

“In people-focused roles, they want individuals with a 360-degree perspective — those who can demonstrate emotional intelligence, cultural awareness and personal interests,” Ms Yee explained. 

“If work takes over your entire identity, it can hinder your career progression by limiting your ability to showcase the 'human' qualities essential for success.” 

HOW CAN WE BE MORE THAN OUR WORK?

The experts I interviewed said that the only real way to disengage our work identity from our personal one is to spend more time — and talk more about — things aside from work. 

To do so, Mr Chong said that we should establish healthy boundaries between both realms. 

This could mean saying "no" to more work after office hours so you can turn up for weekly family dinners or gatherings with friends. 

Once those boundaries are clear, you can develop different aspects of your identity by nurturing hobbies and interests such as scheduling a weekly game of football, taking pottery classes or hitting the gym. 

"These hobbies provide a sense of achievement and purpose outside the professional realm, contributing to a more well-rounded identity," Mr Chong added.  

Even at work, you can and should be more than your professional identity, Mr Aono of Cybozu said.

He added that he often encouraged his team members to talk about their personal aspirations and discuss how the organisation may help them achieve those goals, and make it a habit to do so.

He also said that the firm has monthly flexible working arrangements to support employees who work on their passion projects. 

That said, Mr Chong noted that there are some "rare individuals" who are content with the fulfilment achieved mainly through their life's work. 

“For them, their career serves as a source of deep satisfaction and purpose, enabling them to thrive both professionally and personally.” 

Ms Ong, the career coach, is one such person. 

She said that negative feedback can feel like a "personal attack" nowadays given that she runs her own business, and since her career is representative of who she is, the ups and down of work can definitely affect her sense of self.

Yet, she does not see that as necessarily a bad thing.

"Many people don’t want to be defined by their jobs because they don’t think their job represents them. But when you have a job that’s perfect for you, you don’t mind being defined by your job because it’s so aligned with who you are,” she said.

To truly tackle the identity crisis head on, perhaps the key lies in looking within ourselves and understanding what matters most to us. This is most certainly a work in progress for me.